A Noz fer Danjer

Musashi Sez:

So ther I wuz ridin on the big ol’ doggee’z enormous bak, throo the crowd, between rows of taybuls holdin all kindsa crops, incloodin som fayrlee aeronautic ‘nip (yu sniff it an yu’r in spays verree fast). The downsid wuz that I cud be ridin to mai doooom. The upsid wuz that I wuz feelin pertee darn relaksd. Ther wer still hoomin peeplez evrwher, but wift the big doggee undr mai pawz, they din’t seem so liklee to step on me. So cleerlee ther is upsidz to everthin. (I’m a bowl haf-full kinda gy.)

The doggee stopt in front of a door that had lotsa German shepprdz standin guard. I hoppd down.

They sed, “Ihr Name?” (Name?)

An he sed, “Dieter. Mit der Katze.” (Deetr. Wift the Kittee.)

“Huh. Tragen Sie ein.” (Enter.)

So I wuz lopin down the hall by this Dieter’s sid, mai ploomy tail held high. I sed, “Yer naym is Deetr?”

An he yawnd so big, I thogt he migt swollr me by accident. “Jah,” he sed. “Yu hav problem vith zis?”

“No! No, of cors not.” Ther a tim an a plays fer evrthin, an this wuz not it. Altho I had got lotsa joks in mai hed that I wuz considrin yoozin somtim wen he NOT around.

Deetr stoppd at another door. It wuz opend from insid, an Deetr an me went in. He sed, “Ich habe die katze gebracht.” (I’ve brogt the kittee.)

The room wuz doggee-sizd an reellee qwite classee. The wallz wer mayd of wud an ther wuz a verree big desk, an ther wuz a big ol’ lethr chayr behind it. But I not see whu Deetr wuz talkin to until it—he—talkd bak.

“Ausgezeichnet, Dieter. Vielen Dank. Haben Sie ein Getränk.” (Excellent, Dieter. Thank you. Have a drink.)

The door clozd behind us an I turnd to see one of them big shinee doggee bowlz filld wift wattr. Deetr drank verree noyzee from that, an aftr I had mai fill of watchin the messee wae he wuz havin his fill, I turnd and saw—

Well, akshullee, it wuz just a doggee, reellee. But I’d nevr seen a doggee quite lik this befor. He wuz hyooj an brown an wrinklee wift long eerz an a verree big noz. He strolld ovr to me an sniffd me so hard I wuz afraid I wud end up in his noz.

“Huh,” he sed. “So yu ar American, an yu don’t do ‘nip verree often, an yu hab, how yu sae, a fondness fer Tunfisch.”

Well, now that wuz justaboutanuff! I sed, “Yah, I liks the toonr fish. But yu not the onliest one wift a noz, yu noe!”

So I goez up to him an I sniffs him stem to stern an I am disturbd by whut I smells, cuz he smells of lotsa othr doggeez bein nervous, an hav also a punjint smell of hard rubbr.

But I has whut Jimbond wud probabul call guts. So I sez, “So yu ar one of them smug Continentl doggeez whu gotta be wher the akshun iz, an you has, how yu say? A fondness fer rubber chewy bonz.”

I sniffd agen. “Also raw-hyd bonz.”

The big noz caym towrd me. It filld up mai whol werld. “So, kleine katze, yu hab a noz too? Hab yu gotz ze noz fer ansrz? Wher kin we findz zis Fraulein Felicity? Hmm?”

“I don’t noe.”

“He doz not noe! Hah! Vell, Octavian! Habe yu gotz a noz fer danjr? It does not seem so! Hnrf, hnrf, hnrf! Dieter, tayk him to ze dunjeonz!”

Almos a dozen thogts thogtid throo mai head all at once as Dieter pickd me up by mai scruff an carreed me awae… I thogt:

1. Darn.
2. All becuz I din’t guess disco myoozik.
3. Mebbe I shudn’t hav mentioned the chewy bonz.
4. Mebbe now I won’t akshullee get that Nobel Pryz fer mai catnip custrd.
5. Mom is goin to be SO pissd off if I gets maiself killt.
6. They got dunjeonz at the agrcultchurl sho?
7. I nevr ben in a reel dunjeon befor. I wundr whut it’s lik?
8. At leest now I’ll get a chans fer a reel nap…