Two Cats in the Fountain

Mom Says:

Octavian’s ears were temporarily underwater, but had anyone been standing close enough—a Russian spy, say, or a monk dedicated to Our Lady of Ceiling Cat, or even operatives of Dr. Woof, for example—they might have heard the Persian kittee giggle, jingle her collar tags, and say, “O, whut ze hell!” just before she leaped into the fountain with an almighty SPLASH!

Lerning Lessnz from BirdCatz

Musashi Sez:

So, OK, I let this odd yong Tibettn fellr carree me down som dark stayrz to a damp room that look verre stranj—kinda round and rogf, wift the stonz evrwher. That iz, evrwher egsept the bak wall, wher ther a paintin on the plastr. In frunt of it is a funnee dark red rop, hangin from theez weird not-pillar things. It mayk me thingk they not want me to tutch the paintin (which of cors is sillee).

The reellee old boy aksks, “Do you recognize this painting?”

“Huh,” sez I. “Of cors. I sees it on mai neiygbr’s umrellrs all the tim. It’s Ceiling Cat lookin down to wher the birdcat, Gabriowl, caym down to tell Marry that she goin to be havin Ceiling Cat’s kittee. Um, but yu noe, I not a Cristshun kittee. I’z a Ceilingist Catatayrian. We doesn’t shur about Happee Cat, the kittee of Ceiling Cat. We talks about it a lot, but we hasn’t desydid yet.”

The boy sighed deeply. Then he sez, “Yay, but the LORD can use anyone he wants. Huh. So—“

But I cuts in. “Mai mom is studeeyin to be thee-o-lo-jian, an she sez that Ceiling Cat isn’t necesessarily a gy. Mom sez that Ceiling Cat is way beyond all them catnip mousseez and catnip ballz and whutnot. Mom sez eevn the Baibul supportz this ideer somtimz.”

The boy smiled. “Ah! An enlightened one. Excellent! Ah, but how easily one slips into the sloppy patterns of a particular language in the attempt to sway the masses! Yet we—“

“Um. Soree? But yu gyz ben talkin about yer foundr. He soun a littul bit lik Noah. Kin yu tellz me mor abouts him?”

The boy’s smile was radiant. “Ah, you recognize the language of the founder! Surely you are smiled upon by Noah, our founder, the saint who--”

“Errrr. I don’t noe about all them smylins, but I does has some edjukayshun in theez thins. Whatchur point?”

“Ah! You cut through the knot! I am Brother Narayan, Brother General of our order.”

“So yu desydzd to drug mai frend?”

“Er, well, yes, actually. But--”

“So yu’r eevl, rigt?”

“Um, well, no, actually, we’re the—“

But Agent Octavian had already discounted the little monk and jumped out of his arms. Sniffing the perimeter, he found a very clear path out of the shrine. "Alek, grab Gatto. Perro, let's skeddaddul!"

Gettin the Bak Storee

Mom Says:

Alek and Agent Octavian mulled over what they had just heard. Finally, Octavian asked, “So whu this Nostradoggee gy aneewae?”

“Ah!” said Brother Ian, and he settled back against the stone bench as if it were actually comfortable. “Nostradoggus is the name we give to the dog who lived with the human, Nostradamus, when he was at the height of his powers.”

“But I thogt that hoomin wuz jus a old fayk,” said Octavian.

“Ah, that is a testament to the effectiveness of the dog, for the human Nostradamus was often a true seer, and in fact he occasionally saw far more truly than even he knew. So the dog he lived with frequently, ah, you would probably say ‘ate his homework,’ thus ensuring that his accurate prophecies would be indecipherable. For Ceiling Cat does not wish creatures to know the future. Is it not written, ‘If I’d wantid yu to noe this stuff, I’d hav toldid yu it maiself’?”

“Um, is it?”

“It is! And further—“

But just then Guru trotted out from behind a hidden door, and behind him stumbled a big black cat—Gatto—who was anxiously being shepherded by a larger black and white dog—Perro. Octavian opened his mouth to greet them, but when he met Gatto’s green eyes, he saw that Gatto’s pupils were huge and dark, and Gatto’s pace was erratic, as if he were unsure of where his paws were going. Perro nudged Gatto with his nose so that Gatto went in the right direction.

Octavian turned angrily on Brother Ian. “Whutchu do to mai frend? He look all drugged out! Yu kan’t tell me Ceiling Cat is cool wift that! He NOT! Huh! Yu BAD kittee!”

Brother Ian winced. “You speak truly. We have trespassed against Ceiling Cat’s law, but we did it for the best reasons, with the best of intentions! We needed you to come here, rather than to some other place where we could not follow the outcome…”

“Whatchu reellee meen? Yu jus wanted to controlllll us. Errrr. Emmmmph.”

Guru said, “Foolish kitten! We—“

But Octavian had had more than enough. He attacked.

A Ordr of Straynj Kitteez an Hoominz

Musashi Sez:

Well, I ben seein som stranj things sins I startd werkin fer Mysiz, but this stol the pie! Huh. All I’m tryin to do is sayv the sivilyzd werld from inpendin dooom, an suddinlee theez fellrs is tellin me they nu I wuz comin cuz som gy 500 yeerz ago left them a lettr about it. Reediklus!

An the annoyin kittee gy, this Gooroo fellr, he gots Alek all skeerd cuz he kin do the Schroeder’s cat thin, wher yu is both ther an not ther, which pertee much evree kittee kin do if we reellee wants to, but it tayk a lot of enerjee and then yu gots to nap fer dayz aftrwrds, so moslee we don’t bothr.

Aneewae, as we follrd Gooroo an his hoomin into the shryn, I sed to Alek, “Huh, this Yoda-fellr is pullin the ol’ Schroeder’s kittee trik, yu noe, lik in fhyziks. That don’t mayk him anee mor impressiv than anee othr kittee.”

Ther wuz a hiss from up on the old gy’z sholdr. The old gy led us into this innerestin ston room wift pillrz an a statchoo of a kittee peeple in a windo-lik thing in frunt.

“Hey!” I sez. “That’s Bastet! What she doin heer in Ceiling Cat’s shryn-plays?”

Alek seemd dayzd. He sat down on the ston bentch on the syd. Gooroo jumpt off the old gy’z sholdr an trotted awae, still huffin. The old gy sat next to Alek.

“Bye, Yoda!” I calld, to gives Alek confiddens. A small hiss travld bak to us in the echoz of the room.

Mom Says:

The old man stuck his hands up the grey sleeves of his robe and frowned. “Alas, Guru is impatient, as many of our order are. They…we…have been waiting long for these events to come to pass. But, as our founder would say, ‘If we’re going to be stuck here for 40 days and 40 nights, we might as well introduce ourselves.’ I am Brother Ian. And you, I believe are Octavian and Alexander.”

Octavian turned to Alek. “Hey, wer yu naymd aftr that littul gy whu tuk ovr almos the whol werld, lik centureez ago?”

“Er, yes, actually.”

“Cool! Altho, mai mom sez that werld dominayshun is hardlee evr reellee werth it.”

Brother Ian smiled. “Well said! And that brings me to what you are probably most interested in knowing.”

“O, gud! So wher mai frenz, Gatto an Perro an Sabaka? They heer wift yu?”

“Er, yes, actually, but don’t you want to know about your role as prophet and what Nostradoggus wrote about you?”

“O, no, not reellee, thx. Yu gots the rong gy. I not a profit. I’z a spy. But yu can’t tell aneebodee. OK? Is big seekret.”

“Er. That’s rather odd, you see. Because you do look quite like the drawing Nostradoggus dictated. ‘Of the semblance of Baysmint Catte, butte wifte thee markings of Ceilinge Catte.’”

Alek stirred. “How do you dictate a picture?”

Octavian said, “It’s that old thum problim. Whut, jus cuz I’z a blak kittee wift a littul whit heer an ther, yu figgr I’m the forechozn gy? That seem sillee. Yu mus get lotsa kitteez heer at the shryn. Probabul som of them gotta be moslee blak wift som whit.”

Brother Ian nodded, smiling. “Of course. But how many of them, do you think, were escorted here by a namesake of Alexander the Great? How many of them who were (assuming that there were more than one) came here four days after the coming of a cat in the likeness of Basement Cat and two dogs, one of whom spoke only Russian?”

“Ummm. Well, wen yu puts it lik that…” said Octavian.

Mai Not So Unambigyuos Welkom

Mom Says:

Very slowly, Alek got out of the car, and Agent Octavian followed and sat down next to his feet. The strange cat took his time coming down the strange wooden stairs until he was nose to nose with Octavian. They sniffed each other ritualistically and the strange cat purred.

“So,” he said in perfect English. “You have come.”

Octavian said, “O, they told yu about me, did they? An yu speeks pertee gud Inglish, too. That’z conveenyint.”

The strange cat stared. “Who is the they of which you speak?”

“Whu is the whut?”

“Who do you think told us of your advent?”

“It not mai advent. It mai mom’s, and it not until Desembr. An whut Cristmus got to do wift aneethin?”

Alek spoke quickly. “Er, sir, we came here to meet with some friends, another black cat and two dogs. We assume that they told you that we’d—“

“Silence!” The strange cat’s tale was lashing. “Your coming was long ago foretold by Nostradoggus, and it is he, now reborn, whom you have come to meet. I, Guru, proclaim that you must undergo trials of purification—“

“Yipe!” said Octavian, and Alek jumped, fearing that he had trodden on Eight’s tail. “Yu NOT givin me a baft! NOT WANT!”

As the two cats stood braced, hackles raised and tails lashing, Alek thought he had clearly underestimated the dangers of working with MI-6’s Interspecies Division. The strange cat hissed. Alek poised to run.

Then a deep British voice said, “Guru! Behave! First you’re clawing my best staff and now you’re threatening the guests.”

They all looked up at the top of the steps to see an old man with long white hair and a white beard as he gathered his grey cloak and made his way down to them. The strange cat, Guru, still lashed his tail, but it seemed to Alek rather halfhearted. The old man picked Guru up and draped him on his shoulder and then beckoned for Alek and Octavian to follow him into the small stone building.

“After all,” the old man said to Guru. “We can at least let them have a seat in the vestibule. We let the tourists in there, so we may as well let the long-awaited prophet of Ceiling Cat in.”

“Huh!” said Guru. It sounded very much like he meant it.

Vizhun? or Mebbe Mirazh?

Mom Says:

The sun sizzled on Agent Octavian’s black furry head as he lay trapped at the top of the date palm tree in Marrakech. The water in his mouth from Q’s MHDO tablet was shear bliss. He squinted in joy and when he opened his eyes he saw a strange sight:

A great, round boat, sat on a high hill, with a long queue of animals patiently waiting their turn to enter. There were zebras, giraffes, goats, lions, horses and sheep. There were even lelephunts. Storm clouds were amassing in the distance, but as he watched, Octavian saw a break in the clouds, and a great white cat poked his head out and called, “Musashi! Musashi! Run! Come with us before it’s too late! Musashi!”

Part of Octavian wanted to run and join the animals on their funny boat. Another part thought that if he couldn’t get down from the tree for normal life, he probably couldn’t get down for some freaky maritime exercise.

And the last part thought, “Wooohooo! Whut that Q put in theez tablits?”